We live in a time with Tindering hookups, immediate gratifications through the internet and easy access to pornography and sex toys, instant hits of connection via social media, sexting, divorce rates hitting all-time highs because we think people are disposable and replaceable. We have lost the art of seduction, the art of intimacy, respectful conflict resolution and what it means to make and keep commitments. Is this loss because there is so much fear from past heartbreaks? Or, maybe because there are more relationship types evolving and people think they are given the permission to continually look for the next person they might have an interest in? Rather than looking at the gift that brought the one sitting right in front of them and remembering the love that drew them together.
I am a single unattached Dom male with switch tendencies and I want a committed, long term and exclusive relationship to grow into and support each other. I want a depth of intimacy and connection, emotionally and sexually, for the long term: not just a fuck buddy or a play partner or a lineup of submissives. An actual real exclusive relationship.
I fully understand what it means to be in a committed and monogamous relationship. I was married for 14 years and have been divorced for 10+ years. I also know who I am as a man, have gained experiential wisdom from my life, know how to apply that I’ve learned to move forward, what I want in my life and from a partner.
Exclusivity vs. Unrestricted
I have had my times of experimenting with different relationship types/styles. Exclusivity is not for everyone. I think there are times in peoples lives where it is important to have one-night stands, multiple partners, meaningless sex, maybe even with the intent of helping heal wounds of the past. I have done the healing part of my life post-divorce that a lot of people do and were some people do not get through and remain unavailable to commitment and emotional connection.
Some of us are wired for monogamy and commitment and some of us are not. I crave the emotional and sexual bonds that are created only through intimacy and exclusivity. I’m not saying that as an exclusive couple we cannot bring other people in on occasion or try different things or have new adventures. I’m saying that that I will not keep any more secrets and both parties will participate in the vulnerability of truth telling and learning how to deal with our own feelings, so we can remain focused on each other’s happiness. An attempted practice that only can get mastered with exclusivity and commitment.
Polarity:
When two people come together there is a circle of energy that I like to describe as polarity. Just like the two poles of electricity, positive and negative, the flow of energy between the two poles either completes a circuit or it does not. When there is nowhere for the energy to go, it stops.
This energy will always take the path of least resistance, which can be harmful. When the energy flows evenly between two people it amplifies and energizes each other in all aspects of their lives, in their careers, their other relationships and their intimacy and in their emotional connection. When there is a break in the flow of energy, the polarity stops, albeit temporarily, and sometimes not.
Imagine a time when you were sitting across the table from your lover and you witnessed their presence drift away and into someone else’s field of energy. Remember what that was like when you felt the energy drain out of your body after all the time you spent preparing yourself mentally and physically for that gathering? And now you watch as the actions from that person across the table is telling you that you are not good enough, pretty enough or sexy enough. Next, imagine a time where you witnessed new young lovers so attentive to each other at the table, making eye contact, engaged and laughing and oblivious to anything going on around them. Their presence is unwavering and lets each other know there’s no ne that matters except the other. These are only two examples of how polarity can affect our intimacy and connection with each other.
Giving and Receiving Are Not the Same
We live in a time where there is a lot of conversation about giving and receiving. All the great traditions and religions talk about all we should do is be giving. I do not want to miss is the importance of this kind of giving and of service work, community service or being of service to humankind. This is a kind of giving that reaps its own rewards and cannot be overlooked. It is not about getting anything back when doing service work. This is about giving back to the world for the blessing of being able to be part of the world.
Relationships are a series of give/take compromises, one after another. We can have such expectations on each other in relationships. How we want to receive love. How we give love. There is such conflict that happens in our relationships because we haven’t figured out how to receive each other with kindness and compassion.
Receiving creates intimacy and connection in our relationships. Prioritizing giving may create distancing and separation. If we don’t allow ourselves to receive a simple gift or compliment we are depriving ourselves of a moment of connection with someone else. Think about the following statements…
- To receive what someone has to give at any given time is an expression of one of the greatest gifts you could possibly give.
- Practice dropping our judgments and expectations, so we can receive what life has to offer us at any given moment. This practice will bring us the greatest peace in our lives.
- Learn how to receive someone’s criticism, anger or frustration, without shame or blame, no matter what someone has to say to you… so it will never destroy your inner peace or leave you ungrounded and break your peacefulness.
- Develop a practice in the art of listening so you can receive and hear what someone has to say instead of listening to respond.
Our Surrender Into BDSM, Kink
There is an area in BDSM that isn’t talked about much and that is “sensuality” … the enjoyment, expression, or pursuit of physical, especially sexual, pleasure… through different practices of BDSM and kink. Being a sensual dominant I appreciate the practices that explore all that the senses can experience. From sense deprivation, to the fine line of pain/pleasure, to soft/hard pressures, hot/cold, wet/dry, independence/bondage, control/chaos… where only your imagination may be limiting you… get the picture?
I have been told that I have a unique perspective on BDSM. Firstly, that everyone should not get stuck in playing only one role. People all love playing in the land of dominance and submission. We, the human race, are also primates with an increased brain capacity which allow us to better relate to each other from a compassionate and loving place. We are creating intentional power exchanges in our dominant/submission scenes and even in other environments.
Most of us usually operate from a more submissive or a more dominant arena in our regular day to day lives, it’s just a natural part of being human. Some of us want to be told what to do and others want to be telling others what to do. Using BDSM and creating a Dominance/Submission “scene” is an amazing opportunity for us to explore the opposing forces where we are not used to living in. There are people out there that claim to be the dominant and others who claim to be the submissive in our relationships and do not “switch” to explore the other side. I want to invite the importance for people to explore the opposite energy in which they would normally operate…especially the people who are taking a position in one way or the other.
Why might this be an important part of our evolution? Am I really in control when I am in the dominant position? Is it important to be able to give up control at certain times? Is there really such a thing as being in control?
One of the biggest gifts we can give to our lovers is for them to witness our complete loss of control. It happens during the ten second expression of our own orgasm, but where else can it happen to an even bigger extent? Our conscious decision to let go of control will never happen if we continue to take and hold a hard, firm position and play the dominant role all the time in our kinky play which is why I believe it’s important for everyone being a “switch”.
Trust, Intimacy & The Keeper
I have always said that trust takes time to cultivate. We don’t just suddenly meet someone new and trust them with our bank and retirement accounts, do we? So why would we think that we could trust just anyone when it comes to giving them our submissive surrender? This kind of trust is something that cannot be rushed. Trust takes time to develop and take no time at all to lose. With a commitment to exclusivity comes the ability to be emotionally open about the most intimate aspects of ourselves. The more trust that we develop in our relationship, the more confidence we will have in asking for what we want and being sexually expressive, deepening our surrender.
There is a deep and profound longing for humans to surrender and in this yearning, there is an aspect which lives in the light and also the dark or shadow element. In the shadows of surrender, there are specific times, certain people and in certain places where it would be inappropriate to surrender. There are people who you shouldn’t surrender to. When you have to cross over your own personal boundaries or when it’s a violation of your own personal integrity then surrender isn’t a good idea. You just don’t surrender to anyone.
There is an innate armor that is worn as we present ourselves to the outside world. I am drawn and appreciate the persona of an “Alpha Submissive” woman who projects a powerful, confident, intelligent public image but craves to submit herself to a strong dominant man in private. She has a lot of armor on the outside but remains deeply feminine and tender on the inside. Giving her that “sanctuary” from the outside world is one of the greatest honors. A man of honor and integrity takes those dark intimate secrets to his grave, treats her like a queen, defends her honor and encourages her to achieve all her goals. Then, in return, gets the deliciously naughty vixen who will do anything and wants to give into every fantasy imaginable.
It’s that simple!