Intimate-Compassionate Conversation and Shadow

Entering into intimate/sexual space with others requires an awareness in communicating our thoughts to others without shaming or blaming the other.  It also requires a compassionate effort in receiving others communications which are directed towards us that may not be complimentary or feel good.  How we choose to express ourselves and receive feedback has an effect in how we develop intimacy in our relationships.  What happens when we communicate something to someone and it winds up hurting their feelings or even triggering an old wound in them?  What do we do when we are receiving a communication that hurts our feelings or triggers an old wound in us and winds up hurting?

want_to_be_heardOne of my deepest and most intimate relationships is challenging me in all of these areas.  I get concerned that no matter how much I wordsmith my words they will be received in a way which will not be heard the way in which I intended…and it happens time and time again…I think that is only human nature and nature of language.  I have no control over how my words will be received by someone else, no matter how hard I try to put the right words together to convey my thoughts.  My heart needs to stay open when I face into a difficult communication, keep my armor down and be as vulnerable as I can in my expression.  Then what happens?  Sometimes what happens is what I’m saying triggers a defensiveness, hurt feelings or an old wound where my communication is not received as the open hearted communication in which it was intended and something else was heard in my words which I did not intend.  It’s a beautiful and challenging place where conflict meets compassion.  The choice I choose to make is NOT to go into a place where I feel I must continue to get my point across, rather, to hold the other in their hurt feelings and triggered space.  For me, being able to hold others in their hurt, anger, disappointment and resistance is more important than to hammer home my point.

Being able to sit in others’ triggered or hurt feeling space after my communication not being heard the way I wanted it to triggers an old pattern that lurks in the shadows of never being heard by my family when I was a child.  This feeling of never being heard has been so ingrained in me over and over again during my formative years.  The thing is, I know the history of that wound, have sat for hours and hours in therapists offices working through that wound and yet it continues to show up time and time again, especially around the ones I love the most.  What I realized, is that by knowing this core childhood wound I can choose to respond from a compassionate and powerful place instead of going into a place of defense or blame scenario.  I don’t want to be responding from a wounded place and understanding the pattern and history helps me make the choice to stay in the relational with others even when I’m not being heard in the moment and being triggered by it.  I want to take full responsibility for my feelings or how I got to those feelings in the moment, so I do not default to the lowest common denominator of myself.

I am a person who loves to explore the shadows of my inner psyche and continue to find a great deal of personal awareness in doing so.  It has opened up an intuitive side of me which allows me to see inside someones possible shadows which keeps them stuck in their lives.  I’m working with my own self worth, shame and guilt shadows in my own life and have been willing to take INSPIRED ACTION in order to move through them by recognizing where these issues have come from and what I have to do to not react from those wounded places.  When I work with people, whether it’s in my personal life or my professional life, I always encourage them to do their own shadow work to make the changes they want to see in their lives.

The question I am sitting with is this…Does the understanding of our core wounding help us understand and deal with the feelings that come up in the moment so we can respond from compassion and not an angry or defensive place?  Or, does understanding our core wounding not matter as long as we can make the choice to respond from compassion and not our hurt feelings?

My current belief is that by understanding and accepting these childhood core wounds we can respond from our adult compassionate side and not from our defensive childhood shadows that keep us out of the relational process which we desire more than anything in our lives.